The Big Dating Question
by Andrew-Squee
Summary: In Chapter 14, Walter returns, Charming doodles, Puss tries to escape, and Li'l Red makes a decision. Sadly, ON HIATUS
1. prologue

The Big Dating Question  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any Shrek characters, or anything else that might possibly be someone else's. (I don't own the Ducky Song, it's from Veggie Tales, although I did alter it some to fit the story) I do, however, own this idea (seeing as I have never read any other Shrek fan fiction, and if I am mimicking someone else, it is by complete coincidence)  
  
A/N: You may flame if you feel the need... but a review would be better. Also, as stated above, I have never read any Shrek fan fiction, so if there is one you would like to recommend, I will be very appreciative.  
  
Prologue  
  
Prince Charming was relaxing in his bathtub, not doing much of anything, except singing a random song...  
  
"Some kings love horses, and some kings love cattle, some kings love leading their troops into battle, but me I'm not like that, I find that stuff, yucky, I'd much rather stay in my tub with my ducky!  
  
"Because I love my duck..."  
  
"Son, if I could have a minute..."  
  
"Love my duck!"  
  
"There are some things we must discuss..."  
  
"I love my duck..."  
  
"See, there's a girl you need to marry..."  
  
"Love my duck..."  
  
"Oh I don't mean to make a fuss."  
  
"Then don't. Sing with me mother!"  
  
"Because he loves his duck..."  
  
"And that is why I can't be bothered..."  
  
"Loves his duck..."  
  
"With the particulars of girls..."  
  
"He loves is duck..."  
  
"Cause quite unlike my dear old father..."  
  
"Loves his duck..."  
  
"I find it all a bore! Now concentrate, dear mother, and I think you will agree, the most important person in Far, Far Away is, me. So please don't drag me down with all the females and their issues... go run some water in my tub to freshen up my bubbles!" (By now, they had migrated to the Prince's bedroom, and, seeing as he was donned only in a towel; it was a rather awkward scene. But, now w shall continue on with the song!)  
  
"Oh boy..."  
  
"Because I love my duck!"  
  
"I don't know why I even bother..."  
  
"Love my duck..."  
  
"You just can't reason with this guy...  
  
"Because he loves his duck!"  
  
Moments earlier, in Fairy Godmother's Home Office –  
  
"Listen to me, Walter, my dear son is gaining in years, as am I, and with that repulsive ogre around somewhere in the world, married to Fiona, there's just a lack of worthy candidates!" Fairy Godmother exclaimed into her headset. Walter, her close personal friend and confidant, was on the other end. "There is no one! Snow White has been virtually dead for years, and those idiotic dwarves guar her day and night! Why, I couldn't even deter them in the Shrek 2 video game! Sleeping Beauty fell asleep after pricking her finger on a spindle... that will make her life insurance go up drastically! Rapunzle has hair that would wrap the world in a fur coat! No one should EVER be that hairy. Mulan isn't technically a princess, and besides, in reality, she was killed for being a woman in the imperial army. Ariel is a mermaid, and that rag doll from Nightmare Before Christmas is taking by a skeleton. Why anyone would want a moldy old rag for a mate, I'll never know. Belle is guarded by that beast, literally. Even though in the original telling, he was changed into a prince, in the Christmas remake, he was a beast again... Cinderella is a spoiled brat, and takes YEARS, DECADES, and MILLENIUMS to pick out a single pair of shoes! Jasmine fell in love with a street rat, and had the only good Disney sequels... but there are just NO choices out there! Hold on, Walter, I think that boy has broken out in song again..."  
  
-- "What's a poor prince to do?! Find out next time on... The Big Dating Question! Mirror out!" 


	2. ch 1

The Big Dating Question  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that you think may be someone else's, nor do I own any characters from Shrek, Shrek 2, any Shrek video game or DVD, TV special, whatever.  
  
A/N: Flame if you must... but, reviews are better (and nicer) have fun, hope you enjoy.  
  
Chapter One: Hey There Li'l Red...  
  
Prince Charming was wandering around Far, Far Away, window shopping for all of the latest fashions out of Farsi, or Paris, or Geneva, or whatever. He had wanted to get out of the house and away from his lunatic mother, who could only speak of marriage and ogres, and how Walter was an idiot... well, the latter fact Charming didn't disagree with, but that was beside the point. As he was window shopping, Charming notice the most beautiful crimson red hooded cape (the latest fashion, so it seemed-even Cinderella was sporting one), being worn by the rather gothic looking Li'l Red Ridding Hood... she made the outfit work. With her school-girl charm, and dainty picnic basket, as well as the ability to throw rotten apples at evil-doers in the Shrek 2 video game... well, Ms. Hood was perhaps the most beautiful, delicate person in all of Far, Far Away. Well, besides Prince Charming himself, of course.  
  
As Li'l Red skipped along the sidewalk, oblivious to the wanting stare Prince Charming was giving her, and the disapproving glances of passer-bys, presumptuously for her dark, brooding look, Charming was overcome with the desire to talk to her, if only for a brief second. He wouldn't get the chance that day, though, because a Zorro-esq cat suddenly jumped into her unsuspecting arms.  
  
"One cannot live la Vida loca forever!" The feline exclaimed.  
  
"Oh, Puss, you silly cat..." Red laughingly chided.  
  
Charming umpped and stormed away.  
  
--  
  
"Will Prince Charming EVER get the chance to talk to Li'l Red? Will Puss- in-Boots ever speak a sentence without some Spanish word? What will Fairy Godmother say about her son's choice of female? All that and more, but, for now, Mirror Out!" 


	3. ch 2

The Big Dating Question

Disclaimer: See previous chapter

A/N: Flame if you must... Charmant=Charming in French

Chapter Two: Grande Fairy Madre Reacts

"Mother, I think that I have found the perfect woman for me." Prince Charming remarked.

"Oh really?" Fairy Godmother questioned.

"Yes." Prince Charming replied. "Little Red Ridding Hood"

"Absolutely not! I forbid, F-O-R-B-I-D, forbid, it!" Fairy Godmother exclaimed.

"Mother, I can spell forbid. And, why not? You want to make me happy, don't you?" Prince Charming asked in a sickly-sweet voice.

"Of course I do, sweetie, but... Li'l Red is a tad on the, well, gothic side, don't you think?" Fairy Godmother questioned.

"Well, yes, but that's what so enticing about her, she's not your average, run-of-the-mill princess. She's an individual." Prince Charming replied.

"Individual or not, I don't like it. Now, why don't you go on this date I have set up for you with Cinderella? The two of you are a perfect match!" Fairy Godmother exclaimed.

"Well, I suppose, if it'll make you happy." Prince Charming pouted.

"Good boy!" Fairy Godmother cooed.

Date #1 – Cinderella

Prince Charming waited outside Cinderella's Castle Apartment in the finest horse-drawn limo around.

"Why is she taking so long?" Charming muttered. "Not even _I _take three hours to get ready!"

"And how long do you take, sir?" Walter asked. He was the chauffeur.

"Two and a half at the most!" Charming indignantly replied.

"Lovely." Walter muttered.

Presently, the woman to whom they were referring to presented herself.

"Finally!" Charming muttered, as Walter opened the door for Cinderella.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Cinderella whined in her nasally voice.

"Oh, um... nothing!" Charming lied. If anything, he was capable politically.

"Where are we going, anyway?" Cinderella asked.

"To, um... Le Charmant! It's one of my favorite restaurants..." Charming replied.

"Why? Is the food really good or something?"

"Or something"

At Le Charmant –

"I'll have the Greek Salad." Cinderella ordered. "I'm on that Mat-kens diet, and I need to watch my carb. intake."

Charming rolled his eyes. "I'll have the House Salad. North Beach Diet."

"Oh my gosh, no way! My friend is on that! She's lost like, TONS of weight!" Cinderella exclaimed.

"Uh, yeah, lovely." Charming replied, not really listening.

"Just smile and nod." The waiter whispered to Charming.

Prince Charming smiled, and nodded.

Through out dinner, Cinderella chatted incessantly. Really. All she did was TALK. The _entire_ time. Of course, _what_ she said, no one could tell you, because they tuned her out after the rant about how the Mat-kens diet was working for her, but she couldn't lose ANY weight on the North Beach Diet... or something like that.

At the end of the night, after Cinderella was dropped off and Prince Charming very far away, both let out one of the longest, loudest, ear-piercing screams in the history of young adult cartoon dating.

"That... chatter box can't SHUT HER MOUTH to save her own life!" Charming ranted to Walter. "I don't know WHAT she said, but I GUARANTEE that it wasn't anything IMPORTANT!"

"Well, sir, maybe she just doesn't have anyone to talk to normally." Walter said in an attempt to calm tempers.

"IF YOU MARRY SOMEONE AND THEN TELL THEM THAT YOU'RE AN INSANE CHATTER BOX IT'S ENTRAPMENT!" Charming yelled.

"When would you be marring Miss Cindy, sir?" Walter asked.

"NEVER!" Charming exclaimed.

"Very well, sir." Walter replied.

"Oh, shove off." Charming ordered, sulking in the back of the limo.

--

"Will Charming and Cindy ever see each other again? Will Charming EVER get over probably the worst night in his life? What about everyone else in Far, Far Away? And the Fairy Godmother? How will _she _take the news of her darling son's horrible time? All this and more, next time, but, for now, Mirror Out!"


	4. ch 3

The Big Dating Question

Disclaimer: see previous, also, I do not own the song Charming sings

A/N: Flame if you must... if you want a picture of the limo, email me at , and I will send to you a picture. And I'll try to write longer chapters. Of course, the longer the chapters, the longer it takes me to update. Also, thanks to all of my reviewers, old and new!!

Chapter Three: Hair Gel and a Shindig

Charming rolled out of the blue silk covers he had been sleeping in, and fell onto the cold, hard floor.

"Oh ouch" He muttered. "I bet I messed up my hair"

"I don't see why you care." The little voice in his head remarked.

"Because! My hair is very... delicate." Charming replied.

"You're just a delicate pansy, now, aren't you?" The little voice mused.

"I am not a FLOWER!" Charming yelled.

"What is this racket that I hear?" Fairy Godmother questioned, flying into the room.

"It is me talking to my stupid little voice." Charming indignantly replied, crossing his arms.

"Oh grow up!" The voice said.

"I will grow up when you stop HARRASSING ME!" Charming exclaimed.

"WILL YOU SHUT UP?!" Fairy Godmother snapped.

"Yes, mother." Charming pouted.

"Mama's little pansy boy, mama's little pansy boy" The voice taunted.

"Shut up." Charming murmured.

Fairy Godmother rolled her eyes. "It doesn't matter!" She remarked, throwing her hands up in defeat. "Walter! Get me my latte!"

Walter came in with the coffee, and then promptly left.

Fairy Godmother took a sip, and then slowly dropped to the ground. "Look, you and Snow White have a shindig tonight, and I want you to be on your best behavior, understand?" She asked.

"Yes, mother... but-" Charming was interrupted by a wave of his mother's hand.

"I will not have any of this Little Red Ridding Hood nonsense! She is _not _your type!" Fairy Godmother told him.

"How do _you_ know what _my_ type is, anyway? Are you me? No!" Charming huffed.

"I know what your type is because MOTHER KNOWS BEST!" Fairy Godmother yelled.  
Now, get dressed, you have to come into work with me."

"But I don't wanna!" Charming whined.

"Don't care!" Fairy Godmother replied, shutting his bedroom door behind her.

"Stupid fairy" Charming muttered, walking over to the three-fold mirror in the corner.

"Ha! Little pansy mama's boy!" The voice exclaimed.

"Stupid voice" Charming said, taking out a bottle of hair gel.

He squirted the gel out onto his hand, the clear, gushy substance slipping through his fingers and dripped onto the hardwood floor.

"Oh shoot. Now I'll have to get Walter up here" Charming muttered, running the reaming gush through his blonde, golden, flowing locks

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty" Charming sang, working the gel through his hair.

"Would you shut up?" The voice murmured. "I mean, really! If you're a pansy and you know it, clap your hands... if you're a pansy and you know it clap your hands, if you're a pansy and you know it then your name will really show it, if you're a pansy and you know it, clap your hands. If you're a pansy and you know it, stomp your feet... if you're a pansy and you know it stomp your feet, if you're a pansy and you know it then your name will really show it, if you're a pansy and you know it, stomp your feet. If you're a pansy and you know it, style your hair... if you're a pansy and you know it style your hair, if you're a pansy and you know it then your name will really show it, if you're a pansy and you know it, style your hair!"

"I hate you. You're such an L 7!!" Charming exclaimed.

"A what?!" The voice asked.

"L 7! You know: a square!" Charming explained.

"You are even more of a dork than I thought. I mean, really! L 7?! That makes a RECTANGLE! You are _such_ a moron. Really! If you were my child, I would slap you upside the head, knock you around, kick your sorry, pathetic butt, just because you are _SUCH_ a PATHETIC _moron!_" The voice ranted.

"Your words, they doth hurt, but I shalt not let them get to me, for I am higher than thou!" Charming exclaimed, nobly.

"You... disgust... me" the voice replied.

Charming flung back his gelled bangs. "How can one such as I disgust one as appalling as you?" He pompously asked.

"Grow up." The voice muttered, sounding tired, worn out, decrepit. "Until then, I'm going to bed."

Charming smirked at his reflection, and waltz out of the room.

"Oh Walter!" He called, "Please attend to the little matter of some spilt gel!" With that, Charming headed out of the castle doors, disappearing off into a carriage.

--

Snow White powdered her already pale face even paler, and watched as a dwarf brushed back her long, blonde hair.

A faint smile played upon her red lips, her eyes closed as she dreamt about Knights in shinning armor and what not

A dwarf tapped her on the shoulder

"Mademoiselle, your date is here." The dwarf whispered into her ear.

"Thank you, Cheery." Snow White replied, standing up. Sighing, she headed towards the door. "Oh, I hope this is better than my date with Monsieur John"

--

"How will THIS date go? Will Snow White meet someone better than John? Will Charming ever forget about his hair (and remember about long-lost loves...)? WILL THERE EVER BE AN END TO WORLD HUNGER?! Ahem. Sorry. Most of this, and more, next time. But, for now, Mirror Out!"


	5. ch 4

The Big Dating Question

Disclaimer: See previous

A/N: Yes, Snow White's hair was supposed to be blonde. Besides, blonde's supposedly have more fun. (I wouldn't know, myself having red hair.)

Chapter Four: The Title-less Chapter

Snow White stared lifelessly at the menu. She and Prince Charming had said all of two words between them, that being hello, neither really in the mood to talk. Charming had been rather moody, and when he had seen someone walking down the street whilst in the carriage, well, things didn't go so spectacularly after that.

"I think that whoever Monsieur Charming has seen, it has put him in a rather sour mood. At least with John I knew what to expect- a whole lot of nothing. How I wish for that mindless, idle chit-chat!" Snow White thought, sighing. "May haps I should start up a conversation?"

She opened her mouth, but didn't get very far.

"I've got to go." Charming mumbled, stumbling out of the restaurant.

"Got to see her... I can't take it anymore! No more of these mindless dates to appease my sour, wretched mother... No longer can I take these idle females, I must have my femme fatal!" Charming thought, searching the barren streets for her, looking where he had seen her earlier... something about those eyes, the way she walked, talked, and conducted herself, that bore into him! "She is so unlike anything, so unlike any other woman, I have known... I must have her, she must be made mine!"

--

Snow White sighed. "It's a shame this place doesn't have a bar." She muttered. Getting up, she headed for the exit. "To follow him, or not to follow him, that is a very pressing matter."

In the end, she went to Club Cheatah down the street.

--

"Walter, is my son back yet?" Fairy Godmother asked for the seventeenth time that night.

"No, ma'am," Walter replied. "Are you expecting him home soon?"

"Well, I'm expecting him home eventually!" Fairy Godmother scoffed.

"To be sure, ma'am," Walter replied.

--

Charming had been wandering around for a while now. With each step he was becoming more dejected.

"Is she not to be found tonight?!" He thought. "Has my searching been in vain?!"

As to that, he should never know, for he was whisked away by Walter in a limousine carriage.

--

"What ever shall Charming do? Will he find his lost love? Will the chapters ever be long?! The world may never know. Until next time, Mirror out!"


	6. ch 5

The Big Dating Question

Disclaimer: I own... Andrew-Squee...which is actually me... but whatever... I don't own Shrek or anything else.

A/N: Now I'm just getting sloppy... gheesh! Okay, this chapter should be up to par... maybe... P.S. Plus, this is chock full of REALLY corny jokes... just a forewarning.

Chapter Five: Golfing with the Stars

Charming was sick to his stomach. Well, technically, there was a leech there, but that's beside the point.

Why was there a leech on Charming's stomach?!

It all started the morning after the big date with Snow White...

Charming, Fairy Godmother, Lucas George, Cruise Thomas, White Vanna, and Pico Della Mirandola were scheduled to play a round- 18 holes- at Fantasy Greens.

Ms. Vanna was a poor golfer, and therefore set to partner with Mr. Mirandola, who had a plethora of free time on his hands after participating in the Far, Far Away Renaissance. By now they were at the Reformation, but that's a history lesson that no one cares about. Mr. George was to go with Fairy Godmother, Mr. Thomas with Charming.

Mr. George wasn't such a bad shot, but he had a problem finding the holes at times. (A/N: If you took that any other way but in golf...) Fairy Godmother was decent, but was evenly matched with Mr. George. Mr. Thomas was probably the second best next to Mr. Mirandola, but his putting game was sub par... Charming was an amateur. He was perhaps the worst, ignoring Ms. Vanna. But, then again, he didn't have enough focus, nor care enough, to be a good golfer.

Vanna led off with a poor shot off the tee (she was a slow starter), and was far surpassed in distance by Mirandola.

Of course, no one quite cares about the golf game, seeing as Mirandola won, but his team score with Vanna was horrid. The best team score was Fairy Godmother and George. Of course, there were a few points of interest during the round.

On the ninth hole, a par three, George got an eagle or a hole in one, and did a rather impressive dance for an aging white man. (Okay, okay, so cabbage patching poorly isn't THAT impressive, but it was rather amusing to the other players.)

On the sixteenth hole ("Thank goodness!" Vanna exclaimed. "I was beginning to think this silly sport lasted forever!" "It does." Charming replied. "Unless you're good."), a bird was flying across the par four, and when Thomas went to tee off, he hit the bird square on the head, knocking the poor creature unconscious. Fairy Godmother, using her special powers ("Voodoo magic!" Vanna exclaimed, fainting.), revived the poor thing, and the easily excited Vanna.

On the last hole, Charming could have sworn that he saw Li'l Red, so he hit his ball into the water trap. Then, since his mother had a tendency to be cheap (even though she was one of the richest in all of Far, Far Away... she didn't get rich being STUPID you know...), she told him to go and get the ball.

So, of course, ever the obedient little puppy, Charming went into the dark, murky lake, to search for his ball.

Whilst he was searching for the small white sphere amongst all the other small white spheres, Charming felt a sucking, pinching feeling on his stomach. So, being the big baby that he was, he ran out of the water, screaming. That, of course, was a stupid move, because he was underwater. So, Charming floated to the top of the murky lake. Fairy Godmother, using her magically powers moved him from the top of the lake to the fairway.

And there he was revived. Shortly. For, when he saw the leech, he let out a piercing scream and fainted.

Thus, Charming had a leech on his stomach, and this is where you found him.

That, however, is quite beside the point. For we now join Fairy Godmother, a week later, on the Winfrey Oprah show.

She is there to promote her new book, "Love Potions and You" a book about, well, love potions.

"Thank you, Ms. Godmother, for appearing on my show." Oprah remarked.

"Thank you for having me, Ms. Oprah." Fairy Godmother replied.

"Oh, please, call me Winy." Oprah responded.

(A/N: Insert your own joke here)

What proceeded was a series of hard-hitting questions like "Why'd you write this book" and "What's a love potion exactly" and various other things.

Towards the end of the interview, there was a rather intriguing question asked.

"Fairy Godmother...what is..."

(A/N: Scene edited out for time)

--

"Will we _ever_ know what Oprah asked? What about the leech? Will Charming survive? All this, and another date, next time, but, for now, Mirror out!"


	7. ch 6

The Big Dating Question

Disclaimer: I do not own much of this...

A/N: If you couldn't figure out my celebrity personas (of course... I would probably be the only one stupid enough to not get it...) Lucas George: George Lucas... Cruise Thomas: Tom Cruise... White Vanna: Vanna White... Pico Della Mirandola: Not really a celebrity; started the cult of beauty during the Renaissance. I just like the name... Winfrey Oprah: Oprah Winfrey. P.S. I am not trying to offend anyone. If you are offended, please tell me so that I may correct said offending thingy.

Chapter Six: Loose Ends

"Previously, on 'The Winfrey Oprah' show..."

Oprah: "Fairy Godmother, what is the secret to your success as a mother and expert antagonist?"

"This week, on 'The Winfrey Oprah Show', Fairy Godmother's answer!"

Really cheesy theme music came on, without any real beat and no words of any kind. It was the type of music that people fall asleep to. Ya-awn!

"Good Afternoon Ladies and Homosexual Gentlemen!" Oprah exclaimed. The crowd, mostly overweight middle class moms whose children were currently suffering at some failing public school, was on their swollen feet from having one child too many, clapping furiously for a woman who most likely didn't give a rat's ass who they were as long as they gave her money.

"Thank you, thank you." Oprah smiled. "We're now going to hear the answer to that oh-so-pressing question. Right after this commercial break!"

Charming turned off the 55" flat screen TV. "I hate commercials." He muttered. Currently, he was recovering from not only the leech injury, but his hairdryer had blown up that morning, so he was forced to air dry his hair, and the water was dripping onto his silk collar, making it smelly and sticky, so that it stuck to his neck and made him very uncomfortable.

Walter glanced up from his paper. "Yes, well, what is one to do about them?" He asked.

Charming stared at him. "What?!" He questioned. "Are you talking about my mother?"

Walter sighed. "No, the commercials, nimrod. I was talking about the commercials!"

"Oh." Charming said without much emotion. "Whatever. I've got to get ready for my Sleeping Beauty..."

"What the fudge? Isn't that an over-used cliché?" Walter questioned.

Charming shrugged. "Don't look at me, I don't write this stuff."

--

"So, anyway, after I was asleep for a couple decades or so..." Sleeping Beauty droned on about her life as a Sleeping Beauty, while Charming stared off into space, looking at the mirror behind the bar that gave him a pretty good view of whoever was coming in or going out, and pretending (although not very well), to be interested in what his date was saying.

"So, anyway, after all of that, I just had to get Botox, and..."

"How long is she going to drone on for?!" Charming thought. "I think I've been here for only five minutes and it seems like five centuries! No wonder someone put her to sleep!"

"So for awhile people said my face didn't look natural, so I got some plastic surgery done, and then they..."

"Ahem." Charming cleared his throat. "Look at the time! I really must be going! A lot of important work to do, you know!"

"Yes, well, err, um, yes. So... call me, will you?" Sleeping Beauty asked.

Charming cringed. "Yeah, maybe..." "If I'm ever that desperate" He muttered.

--

"Charming, dear, did you see me on Oprah?" Fairy Godmother asked.

"Uh, well, most of it." Charming replied.

"Did you hear the answer to her question?"

"Nope."

"Why not?!"

"It went to commercial and I don't like commercials and I had a date that _you_ set me up on and that date was horrible! Don't ever have me go out with that wretched coffin again!"

"If you say so..."

--

"Fairy Godmother, what is the secret to your success as a mother and expert antagonist?" Oprah asked on the tape Charming and Walter were watching.

"Well, hmm... I would have to say that my expert knowledge in the field of misery have been the keys to my success!" Fairy Godmother replied.

Walter clicked off the tape. "My, does she have that right." He remarked.

--

"Is Walter experiencing a sense of anarchy? Will Charming ever go on a date with someone he likes? And why in the world do people watch the Winfrey Oprah show? To be honest, I really don't know! Mirror out!"


	8. ch 7

The Big Dating Question

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that is not mine… like the characters in Shrek and various other stories.

A/N: Sorry it took so long. I have no good excuse… I was banned from the computer and there were the holidays and school… but I should've made time… sorry ladies and gents

Chapter Seven: Walter Goes AWOL

"WALTER!" Fairy Godmother exclaimed. "GET IN HERE!"

Walter muttered. He had been happily doing the morning crossword when she had called for him. "I am so sick of this woman! She has to have me do practically EVERYTHING for her! She's infuriating!"

"Well, hmm... I would have to say that my expert knowledge in the field of misery have been the keys to my success!" Fairy Godmother replied.

Those words kept playing over in Walter's head as he walked through the hallway towards Fairy Godmother's office.

_Expert knowledge in the field of misery… expert knowledge in the field of misery…_

"Walter, can you get me some coffee? Decaf. And there are some files that need to be pulled and some others put away." Fairy Godmother ordered.

Walter muttered something under his breath and went to get the coffee.

--

"Tonight you have a date with Rapunzel." Charming told his reflection.

But the voice in his head said: _You do not even like Rapunzel. Her hair is too long and she's too perky for you. You like Little Red and you know it. Her gothic-like appearance, her strong will. Her smile, her compassion for her Grandmother. You have met Rapunzel once. _

However he told his reflection, "You've never talked to Red, ever. You've just seen her in passing and admired from far away. You have NEVER had a conversation with her."

The voice in his head replied, _yeah well, your mother isn't helping things. Making you go on a date with every common princess or wanna be. She just doesn't understand you anymore. No one understands you anymore. You've hit that age where NORMAL people leave their parents. Why don't you do the same? Get your own castle somewhere out in the country. Go to Near Far Away and settle down. No one knows you there. You could start life anew, meet new people, see new sights; it would be perfect for a changed you. _

Charming frowned. "But I don't want to branch out. I don't want to move. I like my room." He looked around at the painted blue room with a duck bed spread and a silk canopy over the top. The mirror, the dresser, the big screen TV, and, of course, the full array of hair care products.

_You are such a pansy._

--

Walter had given Fairy Godmother her half decaf half regular (even though she had wanted all decaf) coffee and was felling rather rebellious. He had filed the folders alphabetically by first name, which was the exact opposite of the last name policy, and had only pulled half of the requested files. He felt empowered by his anarchist attitude.

Fairy Godmother had taken a sip of her coffee, spit it out, and began berating Walter, who just nodded and said yes, ma'am, no ma'am a lot. She didn't seem to notice anything out of the ordinary.

Later in the day, when she was looking for one of the files Walter had put away earlier, she couldn't locate it by last name and again yelled at Walter.

In between these, Walter had begun filling out his resume and his two week's notice. He then decided that he was going to just skip the paper work and retire. After all, he had a large amount of money stored up and his high school sweetheart was still single over in Far Away. He would move back home, settle down again, and then, if he felt like it, get a job. But first he needed to fill out that resume, and get things situated for a move. Then, wham, bam, thank you ma'am, he would be out of Fairy Godmother's clutches and on his way to a better life.

--

"I'm sorry, Rapunzel, it was fun and all but I just think that our lives are going in different directions. It's not you, it's me." Charming practiced with his rubber ducky.

"Oh boo hoo hoo!!" Charming had the duck say in return. "Why? WHY?! You're such a hunk!! And you broke my heart!"

"I know I am, and I'm sorry about your heart, really. Next time I'll be sure to crush it in a zillion pieces." Charming told the duck.

"My, my, you are a very cruel person." Walter remarked.

"Wha?! How long have you been standing there?" Charming asked.

"Not long, really." Walter mocked. "I just came by to tell you that I'm planning on leaving soon. I do wish you the best of luck in finding a wife, though."

"Oh. Well, thanks, I think." Charming replied.

--

"What will Fairy Godmother do without Walter? What will happen when Charming runs out of hair care products? Oh wait, sorry, that wasn't supposed to be said aloud… heh. Anyway! All this and more, next time, but for now, Mirror out!"


	9. ch 8

The Big Dating Question

Disclaimer: I do not own Shrek or anything else that is someone else's

A/N: If anyone is still reading this after my forever hiatus, I don't deserve such loyal readers. I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint

Chapter Eight: Following the Butler's Footsteps

London Bridges Falling Down came from the clock on the bed stand. Slowly, a hand appeared from under the covers and began groping the stand.

"ARGH!" Charming screamed, ripping the covers off of his head and slamming his fist down on the clock. "Stupid… grumble, grumble… clock… gonna… gimme… an ulcer…"

"Well, sweetie, I don't think that clocks can give you ulcers." A plump woman with graying hair and a strong southern accent said.

"Who… are you?" Charming asked. "And what are you doing in my room BEFORE I'VE DONE MY HAIR!"

"Well, sweetie, your mother hired me to take the place of her, oh now what was it… butler I think, and she said that one of the things I needed to do was-"

"I can get myself up in the morning, thank you very much. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to do my hair."

"Oh, but sweetie, I think that you ran out."

"Ran…out? How could I have run… out? YOU MEAN I HAVE NOTHING LEFT! I'm going to be forced to have bed head, and cowlicks, and, and, and, ruin all of my beautiful hair?"

"Sweetie, I don't think that it'll be ruined, it just won't weigh a ton."

"My hair is light and fluffy like the feathers on a newborn chick."

"You are kidding, right, sweetie?"

"Why would I be kidding? We're talking about my most prized possession, my hair."

"Sweetie, it's not about what's on the outside, it's about what's on the inside."

"So says you. Now, leave before I have to call my mother."

"Children today…"

-

"Barbara Jean, would you come here for a moment?" Fairy Godmother asked. "There is something I need you to do."

"All right, hon, what is it?" Barbara Jean questioned.

"Well, there is this matter of stocking the shelves… Walter _always_ did it, and I was wondering, if it wasn't too much trouble…"

"No problem, hon. I'd be more that happy to."

-

"Who does that lady think she is? Barging in on me before I've done my hair. Honestly. The lack of decent people around who don't disturb you before noon…" Charming ranted.

"Sweetie, be careful that you don't get your head caught on fire." Barbara Jean remarked, sticking her head in the doorway and then disappearing.

Charming stared at his reflection in the mirror for a minute, before shrugging and continuing to do his hair.

-

"I'll show her…" Walter muttered. "Replacing me so quickly. Just thinks that she can do that, huh? No forethought or anything. Hire the first person who sends in an application… bet that pansy child of hers will be wishing I was back soon. Bet the replacement is nosy and actually wants to do her job. Ha! Just wait until the whole house turns on you. Then see how it feels to be the hired help!"

-

"Rapunzle, Rapunzle, let down your hair. That's all I hear all day. Like I'm really going to let down my hair for some miscreant like you and get it all dirty?" Rapunzle asked form high up in her tower.

"Well, if you really don't want to leave…" Charming began.

"It's not that I don't want ot leave, it's just that I don't want to get my hair dirty!"

"Oh, I know the feeling."

"The dirt and the grime…"

"And the cost of maintaining such perfect hair."

"Exactly! You understand how I feel!" Her inner voice disagreed, however. "You could just be trying to bait you. He just wants to get inside your pant…ies. He'll sweet talk you until you want to get him to shut up. And then, next thing you know, you're naked in his bed waking up to the sunrise."

"Typical royalty." Red muttered to Puss as they walked passed Rapunzel's tower. "They never know when they've got it good."

"Si, senorita." Puss agreed.

Charming was looking around, waiting for Rapunzel to make the next move, when he spotted them. "Oh, um, look at the time; I really must be going…" He told Rapunzel.

"Hey! Wait a minute! Where are you going!" She asked, as she watched him dart across the street narrowly missing two carriages that were clearly exceeding the twenty five hoofs per hour speed limit.

"Red!" Charming called, "Wait up a minute!"

She gave him a strange look, but didn't stop.

"Whatever is he doing?" She muttered under her breath.

"It appears, senorita, that he has gone muy loco." Puss replied.

Red nodded. "So it seems."

Charming was out of breath before he was even halfway to her. Defeated, and breathing much harder than was good for you, he watched as she walked over the hill, and didn't come tumbling after.

-

"Sniff…that was kind of sad… maybe next time he'll have better luck, but now I need a tissue… Mirror, out."


	10. ch 9

The Big Dating Question

Disclaimer: I do not own Shrek

Chapter Nine: B is for Belle

"A is for apple…" Barbara Jean began. She was going to read Charming a story right before bed. After all, it had been a long day for him. What, with hassling Rapunzle, getting snubbed but Little Red and Puss… but the story was two-fold in its purpose. She was going to have to tell him about his date with Belle set up for the next night.

"A big, red, juicy apple." Charming muttered.

"B is for Belle…"

"A loud, ringing bell…"

"Try brunette and single…"

"WHAT! I have never heard of a bell being described of as brunette and single! Have you ever heard of a single bell?"

"Yes… there are millions of single bells. They don't usually come in pairs. But I am referring to Belle, the person."

"No. Absolutely not."

Absolutely not what?"

"I am not going to go on another date. No way, no how. You, and mother, need to stop interfering like this. My heart was crushed just mere hours ago and already you want to me to be healed and dating again!"

"Well, sweetie, there's no point in prolonging it, really. There are other fish in the sea."

"Yeah, but friends or not, they sure aren't friendly."

"Hon, that sentence didn't make any sense."

"I made sense in my mind."

"Well, now, there's no sense in defending yourself to me, I'm just hired help."

"So you are."

"WELL! No more bed time stories for you!"

* * *

Nonetheless, after a restless nights sleep, a modest (yeah, right) application of hair gel, to get rid of the cowlicks of course, and some food (not too much, Charming does need to maintain his girlish figure, after all), and brief fight with Barbara Jean about black and red clashing ("They're too gory, hon."), Charming was on his way to another date. This time, with Belle whatever her last name is.

* * *

"And he invents all kinds of crazy things, he does mean well, though. Oh, and there's this asshole back home named Gaston… he's such a cocky bastard…" Belle rambled on.

"To think, I doubted the French were stupid." Charming thought.

"You escargot, miss." The waiter said.

"Oh, thank you!" Belle replied.

"And the soup for you, sir." The waiter said.

"Thanks." Charming absentmindedly replied.

"And there's this great library…" Belle continued on.

Charming obnoxiously slurped his soup, getting disapproving looks from the other patrons. To be honest, he didn't quite care. He figured the past few weeks had been unpleasant enough, why bother pleasing people, and a date, that you're probably never going to see again?

"I think that snail is still alive." Charming thought, watching Belle's plate. "I think it moved a quarter of an inch or two since a couple of minutes ago." The mention of snails in his mind brought back a rather pleasant memory of jumping rope and sing, "A snail is a slug without a home… how many can you count…" But, by then, he had tripped over the rope, and was flat on his face with a scraped knee. Oh how he had cried when he had gotten that scrapped knee.

"Are you even listening to me!" Belle asked, noticeably mad.

"Can't say that I was." Charming muttered.

"Oh! An honest man! How refreshing!" And she continued on with her life story.

Charming's face found the soup.

* * *

"C is for Carrot…" Barbara Jean read. She was in Charming's hospital room where he was being treated for second degree burns. "A nice, crunchy, orange carrot. D is for dog…"

* * *

"Well, I don't think that Charming will be picking up any ladies for awhile, especially not Little Red. Haha! I love it when bad things happen to that boy! Mirror out! 


	11. ch 10

The Big Dating Question

Disclaimer: I do not own Shrek, or Cops, or Starbucks.

Chapter Ten: "We interrupt your regularly scheduled program…"

A/N: thanks mucho for the reviews! I forgot what the Shrek version of COPS was, so I am making my own… kinda. :) Also, I hate coffee, and have been in a starbucks all of twice, so if my coffee if wrong, DEAL WITH IT! Ahem… on w/ the story…

Charming was at Starbuck, getting a Venti Latte or mocha frapachino or something that was a lot of milk sugar and other things and a little bit of coffee at an exorbitant price. There was a plasma TV on the far wall, and there was a re-run of COPS airing. Charming scoffed, but sat down in one of the soft, plush chairs over by the TV. It was on mute, but the closed caption was on. Of course, with shows like COPS, that was a bad idea. The words were slower than the action and, in many cases; they were on top of the main event. However, Charming's slight disgust was soon rocked to curiosity when he saw a very familiar orange cat on the screen.

Slightly getting out of his chair, and spilling coffee on himself in the process, Charming watched the screen in rapture, glancing quickly from the closed caption to the image. It was Puss in Boots, all right, and he was wanted for indecently exposure. Charming couldn't help laughing, then cursing when he realized that he had spilled coffee, of all things, on his brand new silk pants.

Charming proceeded to rush home, at first to change his pants, but then to form a battle plan to get Lil Red. One date was all he felt he needed to convince her that he was her man.

Barbara Jean walked in on him writing furiously on his Playhouse desk. "Hon, whatever are you doing? At the rate you're going, you're gonna burn a hole right through that paper!" She exclaimed.

Charming didn't so much as look up.

"Hon, your mother wanted me to inform you that, despite your best efforts to not ask any of your possible wives on a second date, she has gone to the liberty of going it herself." Barbara Jean stated.

Charming looked up from his paper. "That didn't make any sense. And besides, Lil Red is free again. No one wants to date a convicted felon."

"I once dated a fell-on. Best sex I ever had…" Barbara Jean sighed happily.

"Eww, gross! I didn't want to know that!" Charming put his hands over his ears. "Walter never would have said anything like _that_!"

"Well, hon, do I look like Walter to you?" Barbara Jean asked.

"No. Walter was prettier." Charming replied.

"Well I never!" Barbara Jean exclaimed as she walked out of Charming's room in a huff. "I guess he'll just have to find out on his own that he has another date with Snow White tonight."

Snow White stared out her bed room window. When Fairy Godmother had first called, she had thought "No way am I dating her son again!" She had been appalled, APPALLED, at his behavior on their last date, and Monsieur John had called to say that he was in town, and how she wanted to be with him just one more night… But Fairy Godmother had offered her money and Snow White had a nasty little habit to feed (namely all seven dwarfs) and needed the money desperately. Quite honestly she was sick of being a "domestic goddess" who needed chores, gardening and cooking all day! Certainly not her… why, if Fairy Godmother promised her money for every time she went on a date with the woman's wretched son, then maybe Snow White could get a maid. Yes, a maid. Oh, wouldn't that be lovely?

Charming had come up with his "MaSter Plan" to get Lil Red to like him. Although it was in crude, infantile letters, he felt that his anti-myopic behavior towards the matter would clear up any future problems he would have with the love of his life. After all, she was perfect, with her willful, head-strong attitude, and her adorable rosy cheeks… Charming would even deal with her girl cooties if just, for once, he could kiss her, and it not be only a dream. Yes, he was ready to put his plan into action and get the girl, no matter what.

"Will Charming get what he once? Will the author ever get her act together and place a chapter up in a timely manner? Will anyone still want to read it! Ahem… what about Charming's unknown date with Snow White? Will he make it? For now, however, Mirror out!"


	12. ch 11

The Big Dating Question

Disclaimer: I don't own Shrek. Nor do I own anything else that may or may not be cpoywritten by some organization that makes a whole lot more than my seven bucks an hour.

Chapter Eleven: Once and a Godmother….

A/N: Okay! This is a randomly inserted fluff chapter. I was gonna try and make it musical, but I realized that I don't like those types of stories all that much. So, I decided to do the next best thing, therapy.

Fairy Godmother had led an extravagant life. First it was the complete My Little Pony collection she had when she was in primary school, followed by the era some people call junior high, but was "Let's go see every movie that they put out for three years" Yes, that's right, she had sat through the classics like Star Wars and Indiana Jones, while also tormenting herself with the Gigli's. Of course, sometimes you're so engrossed in what your flavor of the week boyfriend (be it wizard, prince, or elven) that you had to see the movie again. Because sometimes you need to see the action, not just hear the words. Assuming you were listening, and your ears weren't being-

"MOM!" Charming exclaimed. "I need to borrow the good chauffeur!"

"Okay, dear." Fairy Godmother absent-mindedly replied.

After the movie episode…

"Ms. Godmother, ma'am, you have an appointment to keep." Barbara Jean whispered.

"Yes, yes." Fairy Godmother angrily replied. "I know!"

"Okay, just, ya know, makin' sure." Barbara Jean smiled. Fairy Godmother glared. "I'll be leavin' now, okay?" Barbara Jean remarked, before hastily exiting the scene.

After her junior high movie phase, came the high school hubcap ordeal. Just like the one you know you had, way back when. It was, essentially, the dark ages. A time when if your hubcaps spun, but your wheels didn't, you just never got very far. Mostly that was because you had to walk everywhere, but still…

"Um, Fairy Godmother, I think that maybe you should-" The mirror began.

"I KNOW!" Fairy Godmother screeched. "I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW!"

* * *

"So, Fairy, if I can call you Fairy," Melvin, Fairy Godmother's physiatrist, began, "How goes things with your son?"

Fairy Godmother sighed. "Not so well. He lacks interest in girls, I don't think he's had a wet dream yet, and it just bothers me that he might be physically behind the other boys."

Melvin laughed that small, uncomfortable laugh that people do sometimes when they're, well, uncomfortable. "Well, you remember those years, don't you? I'm sure it's natural."

"No it's not! When I was Charming's age, I was into boys!"

"So you're saying that Charming should be into boys?"

"I think he might be!"

"Um…."

"I mean, he likes Walter better than Barbara Jean, he's always talking about this overtly masculine girl he likes…"

"I thought you said that he-"

"And, don't interrupt, he doesn't like anyone I've chosen for him! I have good tastes! Why, if I were Li'l Kim's stylist, she'd wear REAL clothes! Not those faux clothes that look more like lingerie. And they aren't even sexy! Her outfits just make her look like trash! Oh, and Brittany's fiancé? Don't get me started on him! I mean," At this, Fairy Godmother leaned in closer to Melvin, "He wore what is essentially a Vanilla Ice version of rap wear TO THE BEACH!"

"Um, I think that Vanilla Ice is a-"

"How can she let him get away with that! And she's not pregnant, there's no way. He probably gave her some STD and now she wants to do the responsible thing and just keep sharing it with him… It's disgusting!"

"Um, Fairy Godmother, I think that…"

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! There's some static…

Incredibility deep voice, "This is a test of the emergency alert system if this were a real emergency, then instructions would follow."

More static followed by, BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

"And those pants just look fabulous on you! Purchase these now-"

"Well, Fairy Godmother, thank you for sharing that overly climatic piece of history that foreshadows the end of the story." Melvin said.

"You're quite welcome. Are we done?" Fairy Godmother asked.

* * *

"Oh, dear. Drats that emergency alert system! It always interrupts something important! Oh well, Mirror out!" 


	13. ch 12

The Big Dating Question

Disclaimer: I do not own Shrek. I do own this shirt that says "Vote For Burr" on it, though.

Chapter Twelve: Yo ho, yo ho a pirates life for me…

A/N: TODAY IS INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY! So scrub the deck me mateys, and prepare to be wowed by my limited pirate vocabulary and limited knowledge on Revolutionary America! Yeah. The two are in no way interconnected.

Charming had broken out the good tights. Yes, those. The ones that were a light shade of pink and never ceased to glitter and sparkle in the light of the rising or setting sun. They had come with a lovely pink feather pen…

Not that Charming had much use for _that! _He was too busy thinking about all the things he could do if he were a duke in distress… which, he was, in a sense. Cooped up all day in his mother's droll castle, with only the mice and the birds to keep him company… not that this was a Cinderella story, oh no. It was more of a Romeo and Juliet poetry reading pity fest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, the schematics are vague, the reality not all that real. But, honestly, does anyone want to hear about _another_ miserable date? Or about Fairy Godmother's shrink sessions? I thought not.

* * *

Child: Do you realize the emotional torture you put us through, chapter in and chapter out? Don't you see that we _want_ to know who Prince Charming hooks up with? Or Walter's fate? Or what ever happened to Puss in Boots? You can't leave us like this, to constantly wonder.

Me: Well… hmm… I suppose, then, that I should start from the beginning of this whole mess, and find a way to bring you the happy ending that you desire so strongly.

Child: I never said that we wanted a _happy_ ending!

Me: Well, fine!

* * *

Revolutionary America...

Aaron Burr: Alexander Hamilton! You have been spewing slander about me and I don't like it!

Alexander Hamilton: Why I never! Your impudence amazes me! I am not spouting slander, but the truth! You _are_ a man without morals, you _are_ the devil in the blue coat! You _are_ a danger to society and yourself!

Aaron Burr: Fine! We must duel!

Alexander Hamilton: If you insist!

Hamilton raises the gun, and fires into the air.

Burr smirks. He has his foe now. Burr raises his pistol. Shoots. BANG! Alexander Hamilton falls to the ground, bleeding.

Burr would later be charged with murder, flee, and later try to invade Mexico.

* * *

Present Time

Child: what does that have to do with _anything!_

Me: I find the story interesting.

* * *

We now take a brief hiatus… and then join Puss in Boots!

The prison is dreary, the cold, stone tiles that encase its evil-doers hold no promise of escape, smushing any idea of hope within its inhabitants. Not even a bright orange fur ball possesses the desire to escape. True, it lies deep inside his assassin blood, waiting for a chance to spring to the forefront, when escape, and freedom, and Li'l Red are evident…

But now isn't that time.

"Gar, you'll be over come with scurvy, eatin' glob like that." The unsavory fellow in the corner states.

Puss rolls his eyes.

"I had ten shipmates die from eatin' that gruel. T'wasn't any of my doin', or the sea, and the sea's not a very nice gal sometimes."

More eye rolling.

"Argh! You keep that'un up and they be stuck like that one day! Just you wait, matey. Doom's a-comin' for ya, and I don't wanna be here when she shows up!"

* * *

Snow White stared at her perfectly manicured nails. She would stare at the perfectly pedicured feet, too, but she was in a rather nice restaurant, waiting for a _very_ rude date.

She sighed. It appeared that she was doomed to be date-less… guess she was going to have to actually pay for her own meal…

* * *

There is a retirement home for butlers. You never have to wait on anyone, and if you mess up accidentally, no one yells at you. Positive reinforcement at its best.

Walter was quite happy at this little abode for the retired. And, best of all, he didn't have to remind anyone they had a date!

* * *

"Wow… what a miserable little man in that jail. Oh well! Happy belated Talk Like A Pirate Day! Mirror out!"


	14. ch 13

The Big Dating Question

Disclaimer: don't own shrek

A/N: school…work…boyfriend blushes

Chapter 13: The Plot Thickens

"You did WHAT!" Fairy Godmother screeched.

"I…I… I went on a picnic with Li'l Red." Charming answered boldly. (After all, once you've emptied your bowels, what's the worst that could happen?)

"Instead of your date? How am I suppose to get rid of you if you refuse to listen to me!"

"You… you want to get rid of me?"

"I WANT YOU TO GET MARRIED!"

"But… but… mommy… I though I was… I thought that I was your…your… WAAAAH!" Charming ran off to his room, crying.

Fairy Godmother made herself a martini.

* * *

Walter was rocking peacefully in the hammock when a very distraught, southern, female voice said, "Are you Walter?"

"Yes…" He groaned.

"My name is Barbara Jean, I'm Fairy Godmother's new, um… assistant, I suppose, and she's put me in charge of getting her son out to his dates, and I've just had such a difficult time with that boy, and he's talked about you, and, well, I just was wonderin' if, you, um, well if you'd come back."

"No."

"Well why not!"

"I quit. I don't want to go back."

"But that boy sure do miss you"

"Well I sure don't miss that boy!"

* * *

Puss stared at the old pirate. He was dying, that much was evident. His breathing was raspy and short.

"When they take his body away…" Puss mused, "I shall make my escape. Now… to speed the process up…"

* * *

"Wow… there are strange things a-brewin'… but for now, mirror out!" 


	15. ch 14

The Big Dating Question

Disclaimer: I do not own Shrek.

A/N: long time no chapter… I'm gonna try to be more regular about updating, but who knows. Massive thanks to anyone who still cares

Chapter Fourteen: And the walls come crashing down…

Charming angrily drew a stick-figure picture of his mother with a crayon on a giant piece of construction paper. "I hate you!" He screamed, picking up a black crayon and furiously drew on the creation. "You're so mean to me! I'm gonna run away for ever and ever and never come back!!!"

--

Walter sighed. Why, oh why had he listened to that woman with the in_furiating_ accent? He didn't care about the stupid _petulant_ child… he certainly didn't like the boy's _mother._ And now he despised his replacement.

All of this anger had arisen because _right now he was standing outside that puerile brat's door!!!_

Why oh why was he a sucker for women?!

--

Puss crawled into the dead man's shirt, holding his breath because of the smell. When they took the body away, he would be a free fur ball.

--

Li'l Red sighed. It was the most feminine of sighs. Sigh sigh sigh. She was bored. Puss was in jail (how she love a man in uniform!) and Charming was, well, rather _un-_Charming. Tomorrow, she was going to sign up for cleared his throat. "A_hem._ Charming, _sir_, would you please _open_ this door?"

"WHY?!" Charming screamed through the door

"Because."

"BECAUSE WHY?!"

"Because I said so, that's why!"

"I HATE YOU!"

"Well, the feeling is _quite_ mutual."

"GO AWAY! YOU AREN'T MY FATHER! I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU!"

"Quite right."

"WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE?!"

"Because I am getting paid generously to deal with you and your moods."

"YOU ONLY LOVE ME FOR MY MONEY!"

"Well, seeing as it is _not_ your money, I do _not_ love you only for your money. As a matter of fact, to be quite honest, I do _not_ even love _you._"

"I HATE YOU!"

"As you've stated."

"GO AWAY!"

Walter sighed. It was going to be a long day.

--

"Hmm… will Charming ever come out? Did Puss escape? Who _is_ Charming's father? I don't know, and I know Walter doesn't care! Mirror out!"


End file.
